Thankful

I'm thankful that no one's in the hospital.

I'm thankful that the hospitals were there when we needed them.

I'm thankful that I have the energy and ability to cook for my family today.

I'm thankful that I have a family for whom to cook today.

I'm thankful that my body now "functions" as it's supposed to ... if you know what I mean ... and I think you do.

I'm thankful that we have a dishwasher, and it isn't me.

I'm thankful for the opportunities I've been given this year to serve others.

I'm thankful for the turkey and dressing I'll eat today.

I'm thankful that three of my grandparents are still living, and thankful for the time I was given to know the one I've lost.

I'm thankful for music, and for ears to hear it.

I'm thankful for my big bed and warm flannel sheets.

I'm thankful for the cold weather; I love it best.

I'm thankful that it is now officially Christmas music time.

I'm thankful that I can dream, and then make it come true.

I'm thankful for my new computer.

I'm thankful for my church family.

I'm thankful for the friends I've made because of the Internet.

I'm thankful for fabulous shoes.

I'm thankful for good Christian parents.

I'm thankful that my little sister still thinks I'm awesome, even if she is a teenager now.

I'm thankful for the family I will see today, and the family too far away to see.

I'm thankful for the future in front of me, and the past I leave behind.


(If you didn't see that one coming, Grobies, I am very very disappointed in you.)

Time to go around the table: what are YOU thankful for?

Whose bright idea was this?

I'll be honest: I sit at home all day and watch a lot of TV. A LOT of TV. I am coming to feel like Rachael Ray is a personal friend of mine. As I watch all this TV I've seen this commercial a few times, and it really just burns me up.



I know the intent was most likely just to raise awareness of Crohn's, what it is, how it affects you, but I have to say that commercial really depresses the crap out of me. As someone dealing with a recent diagnosis, that is the most discouraging thing I have seen or heard. Everyone who has Crohn's is affected differently; so, for instance, someone else may have to avoid a food that I can eat with no problems. Since I don't yet know how my unique case is going to play out in my normal everyday life - since I'm not currently living my normal everyday life - hearing all the things those people say in the commercial brings me way, way down. If I'd written this, that certainly is not the message I would want to convey.

And you know what? I'm not going to turn into one of those people. The medicine I'm currently taking, I get via IV infusion about every eight weeks - no dealing with "so many pills." I refuse to hide at home because it's too much of a hassle to plan "every detail" of going out, or because I'm afraid. The pain - yeah, it's bad - but I will deal with the pain when it comes, and learn how to avoid it next time. And BY GOD, nothing short of death would cause me to miss my best friend's wedding - this disease certainly won't do it. Living like those people describe, that's not living. I'm going to live. I'm going to do everything I ever wanted to do, and Crohn's disease is the very last thing I'm going to let stand in my way.

Out Of Nowhere

Hey everyone ... I know you've been wondering what exactly is going on, so I figured now that I've finally got Internet access I'd give you an update.

About a month ago I started having this pain that really had no explanation. I just lived with it for a couple weeks, hoping it would go away, and when it didn't I went to the doctor thinking I probably had an ovarian cyst. The symptoms sounded the same, so I figured that was the problem. I had tests and ultrasounds and the doctor decided that wasn't the problem, but the pain just got worse. I ended up in the emergency room, nothing helped, long story short the doctor decided to do a diagnostic laparoscopy, which meant he'd go in and just take a look around. This was Friday a week ago. We figured he'd remove the cyst, possibly take out my appendix, but overall no big deal. The doctor got inside only to discover that I have Crohn's disease, a chronic disease which affects the intestines and bowels and which I have probably had for years but didn't know about. It was a big mess, let's just say. They removed about 12 inches of my intestines and my appendix. Recovery from the surgery was one thing, but the Crohn's has complicated everything. Because it's so difficult to heal they would rather not operate on Crohn's patients at all, but there was no choice. I was very very sick for a week after the surgery, then they finally let me go home and things were going well. I was home for a whole 24 hours when I had to go back to the emergency room because my intestines had started to leak. The doctor had said this was very common with Crohn's disease so it wasn't unexpected, but it could've been bad. Thankfully it wasn't and I haven't needed more surgery, but I've been in the hospital since Saturday evening. I'm not allowed to eat anything except ice, I have 3 IV lines in my chest, I have blood and X-rays taken every day. This whole process has been surreal. It was completely unexpected and, being both something I never thought I would experience and more than I ever thought I could handle, honestly I haven't been doing very well. So, that's my story - I hate to be a Debbie Downer but it happens. Now you know why I disappeared, and I want everyone to know that I really appreciate all your messages and tweets and calls and prayers and visits and everything. I am doing well and will continue to get better, so don't worry. :)

Better than I could say it

This came on the radio this morning. Beautiful song and just about perfect.

"Prayer For A Friend" by Casting Crowns

*Song and video not mine

Stream of consciousness

I have all these thoughts knocking around inside my head. I swear they're all connected somehow.

I don't like change. I'm a planner, I like to know what I'm doing and where I'm going. I like knowing what to expect, what to do, how to do it. Things and people in my life are changing, and I don't like it. I feel like I'm being left behind.

I'm a worrier. I worry about those I love. I want to take care of all of you, I want to fix what's wrong, I want to keep you from harm. Helplessness doesn't sit well with me.

I've battled shyness all my life. If you haven't had to deal with that problem, you can't know what it's like. Sometimes it's almost like I am physically incapable of speaking. New places, people, situations scare the bejeezus out of me. I get a sudden chill, break out in a cold sweat, my stomach drops to my feet, I feel like I can't breathe. And since my tear ducts are hard-wired to react to any strong emotion - sad, happy, angry, frustrated, embarrassed - there will most likely be tears. I may manage to keep them in but trust me, they're always right there under the surface.

In God I have put my trust, I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me? (Psalm 56:11)

So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:34)

I've thought for a few years now that I was dealing with some mild depression, but a friend has since told me that I'm not depressed since I can still feel. And ... somehow that made me feel better. (HI BEA! Thank you *hugs*)

It's part of my worrying nature to visualize the worst-case scenarios so that I'm prepared. Because of this, very few things could in reality be worse than what I imagined - it's actually a good thing. Srs. If it's driving you nuts, I'm sorry and I empathize - I drive me nuts, too. I'll quit telling you that.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9)

Those of you who know me via Interwebz probably won't believe me, but I have a terrible time making friends. Sometimes I look around and I'm amazed at the friends I have. How did this happen? How did I manage it?

I often wish I were different. I imagine myself the way I wish I was, and sometimes I can even be that version of me when I'm with my closest friends. Then reality comes crashing in and I'm reminded that I'm not that girl. I want to be. But I don't know how.

I worry about being "good enough."

For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them. (Psalm 139:13-16)

I want to have a servant's heart and always think of others before myself, but sometimes I'm selfish. It makes me feel like a terrible person but at the same time - sometimes I want things too.

If my friends are changing and moving along but I'm not, how do I keep from being forgotten?

What will I do if I never get the deepest desires of my heart? I don't think I'm asking for much, but what happens if I wait and wait and wait and it just ... never comes?

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)

There are so many things I want to do, so many things I want to experience, so many places I want to go and so many people I want to meet - yet I also like it here in my comfort zone. In order to do all these things I'll have to make myself get decidedly uncomfortable, at least for a little while. I'm not sure I can do it.

With people it is impossible, but not with God; for all things are possible with God. (Mark 10:27)

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)

I Choose Joy.

I am in general a happy person. But because we all know life is not all sunshine and rainbows and I am a firm believer in being honest and sharing with people, I don't mind telling you that I struggle. Specifically, I have trouble with jealousy, I am very easily annoyed, and I have a hard time just letting things go. Once I get something in my head, it is all-consuming and I very nearly go crazy before I somehow manage to get rid of it. When this happens, and it happens more often than I'd like, certainly, it makes me feel awful. For a day or two I'm just miserable - sad, angry, just generally ticked off at the world and all its inhabitants. And I have come to the realization that you decide how you're going to respond to any given situation. You decide what your attitude will be.

We were talking about this in Sunday school a few weeks ago. The question was asked: what do you do when things don’t go your way? How do you deal with it? As it happens, this is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. I posted a few weeks ago about some hardships I’ve been facing in my own life, and many friends who read that were awesome enough to let me know that they’ve been struggling with some of the same things. I got to thinking that maybe I’d write a little about how I’m dealing with those issues, because it’s a difficulty every single day and sometimes it can be a huge source of encouragement to hear how someone else deals with the same things you’re trying to deal with.

When the question was asked on Sunday – how do you deal? – I answered almost immediately, saying this: You have to make the decision to have a positive attitude. It doesn’t just happen on its own, you have to make a conscious choice. I've shared about the problems I’ve dealt with, which have had the effect of producing a general discontentment and dashing my joy right into the ground. Something else that can steal your joy is fear, and I am a pretty fearful person. Anyone who knows me well can back me up on this: I am the world’s biggest worrywart. I get nervous very easily, and if I don’t have anything to be afraid of, my imagination will invent something. I know worry is a sin, but no matter how hard I try I just can’t seem to shake it. I worry a lot that my future plans won’t pan out, or that I won’t get the things I want most, the things I dream of. Constantly thinking about the what-ifs and things that may or may not happen is exhausting and depressing. And I don’t know about you, but I hate feeling this way. I can’t stand being unhappy, hate to argue and fight, always want to get rid of unpleasant feelings as soon as possible. Some people seem to enjoy wallowing in their misery, but I don’t. So when I need to, I make the choice to be happy and work to reclaim my joy. Everyone has different ways of doing things and what works for me may not necessarily work for you, but here’s how I do it.

First I give myself a little pep talk. Usually my imagination is telling me that a situation is much worse than it actually is – or even at times inventing a problem where there is none – so I sit myself down and tell me that whatever isn’t true, isn’t true. Basically, it’s the mental equivalent of giving myself a slap across the face and telling myself to stop being ridiculous.

My inner joy comes from a relationship with God, so the next thing I do is have a good talk with Him. I tell Him what’s bothering me – although of course He already knows – and ask forgiveness for my fretting and worrying and not trusting. Then I think about all the things that have gone right for me, all the things I’ve wanted and gotten: even though it sounds corny, I count my blessings. I thank God for everything He has given me, and when counted, these far outnumber the things I haven’t gotten. When I think about this, when I stop and think of all the things that I take for granted but that really are gifts – things like waking up in the morning, being able to care for myself, the warm bed I’ve just slept in and food for breakfast – I feel very humbled. It makes me wonder, why am I working myself into such a state over one little thing that didn’t go my way? Why am I inventing a problem for myself instead of focusing on something good? Why am I worrying about something in the future when I can’t do anything about it anyway? When I’ve thanked God for all these things, I ask Him to help me to be content with and grateful for what I have now, and to help me trust that He loves me and will take care of me no matter what happens.

Usually then the best thing for me to do is avoid being alone for a while, since loneliness has been such a big problem lately. I find a friend to talk to, if I can; if I can’t, I’ll go find something to do with my sister or sit and watch TV, read, or knit with my parents. If I’m by myself, I find some job to do to keep myself busy and turn on some praise music. If I’m in the right mood, this is sometimes a good opportunity to write, too.

Now I realize that some people reading this don't share my beliefs, and while I wish you did, it's okay. I never want to be one of those Christians who looks down on non-Christians, and as my world view gets ever larger, another thing I'm coming to realize is that not everyone sees things the way I see things. It makes the world more complicated, but it also makes it more interesting! Sometimes that's at the heart of the problem, just the simple fact that people see things differently. When this happens, I have to take a step back and remind myself that it's relative - what I see one way, someone else sees another. And that's cool. I be your friend anyway. :)

But anyway, back to the subject at hand. Everyone has to do whatever will best help them, but the point here is that you have to make a decision to have a good attitude. Bad things are going to happen, we’re going to be disappointed, people are going to hurt us and we’re going to be denied things we want. It’s only natural to be sad, angry, or disappointed at these times, but you don’t have to stay that way. It isn’t easy and it takes some effort, but the important thing is that it works. If you’re upset or find yourself having a bad attitude and you don’t like it, choose to change it. Choose joy.

Bloggy Friday

Here's something I don't think I've really mentioned to anyone: I'm a little bit addicted to mommy blogs.

Have you ever read a mommy blog? They're just what they sound like - moms blog about the cute (and gross) things their kids do, they talk about their husbands and marriages, that sort of thing. And I LOVE them. "Become mommy blogger" is one more thing I've added to my list of Things I Must Do When I Have Children. (List also includes quit job to be stay-at-home mom, enroll any and all daughters in dance classes as soon as they can walk, and dress children alike for my own personal enjoyment.)

So for today, I've compiled a little linkspam of mommy (and daddy!) blogs that I love.

The first one I started following is Pacing The Panic Room. The author, Ryan, writes about his and his wife's adventures as they get ready for the birth of their first child. The thing that drew me to this blog first was the photography. Ryan is a photographer and he takes the most awesome belly pictures of his wife every week. This is the most recent:

Awesome, yes? I think so. :)

That blog led me to Attack of the Redneck Mommy - and I admit I only looked at this one because of the title, heh. I haven't had time yet to go back and read more than just the most recent posts, but I plan to. This lady is hilarious, y'all.

From that one - you see the pattern here, right - I found my absolute favorite mommy blog, The Spohrs Are Multiplying. This blogger, Heather, writes some of the funniest stuff I have ever read - just the way she puts things is awesome. And there's lots of pictures and videos of her little girl, Madeline. This may possibly be the cutest baby ever:

Don't you just want to squish her? I do! Sadly, Maddie passed away in April - she was a preemie and had been dealing with lots of health problems - and Heather has been writing about this experience too. It's heartbreaking and beautiful all at once.

While cruising the archives of that blog, I found moosh in indy. Talk about adorable kids! Check out this one, affectionately referred to as The Moosh:

So, you may ask, what is the draw? Why read blogs about the lives of people I don't know and will probably never meet? Well I'll tell you. First of all, I think I like mommy blogs specifically because pretty much my number-one goal is to be a mommy myself. I've got the whole maternal instincts thing going on, I love little kids, I suffer from raging baby envy. I think that's why mommy blogs in particular appeal to me the way they do. But beyond that, when you read these blogs, you come to feel like you do know them. Maybe you see similarities to yourself, or to someone you know. So then their story isn't just theirs, it becomes universal. It could be anyone's story. You find something you can relate to, or see that someone else has gone through something you may have gone through. I think it's safe to assume that everyone who might read this knows about the relationships that can be formed across the miles via the Wonderful Interwebz, so that's why I like blogs.

Plus all these bloggers are awesomely talented writers and really really freakin' funny. They're just fun to read.

And now you know what I do at work! ;)

No, wait, this is important.

We haz New Moon set pics. From Italy. Those of you who have read teh book - you know what that means. Look at this.

Hey, did you happen to notice that Robward isn't wearing a shirt?

See, he took it off himself.

And here's his back. Just ... cause.

Stupid watermark.

Just for good measure, how about a profile shot?

Now we've all seen Robward's lack of shirt, yes? Are you sure? Because this is important. Like, just in general.

And I have to compliment whoever picked out those shoes. Teh Les approves of those shoes.

As long as the sparkle (speaking of which, the little black dots crack me up) is better than the first time around, I'm thinking this movie is going to rock my socks.

...

Plus - did you see Robward sans shirt??

Pics from the awesome gallery at www.edwardandbella.net!

Just cryptic enough to make you mad. Plus pictures!

Okay ... let's get hypothetical for a minute.

Let's say you agreed to do something, but then you were plagued with second thoughts and worries and fears and whatnot. It isn't necessarily something that might hurt you or anything, nothing like that, but - what do you do?

And then let's say that someone you're very close to is in a situation that you don't feel good about. Your instincts are telling you it's not going to end well, but that's all you have to go on - a feeling. You're not sure it's bad, you just have this feeling that it might be. What do you do there?

Now that I've been all vague - pictures! I found these all over the Internets and they're too good to keep to myself.

I am so ashamed of my reaction to this

Okay, my babies: the New Moon poster was unveiled yesterday. I didn't have much hope for it because I heard it was pretty plain, but I have to say I LOVE IT. Take a gander:


My jaw dropped when I saw it, but that's not the part I'm ashamed of. Here's the part I'm ashamed of: although I love Edward with the intensity of a thousand suns, my eyes went straight to the yummy that is Taylor Lautner, bless his little furry heart. (That boy don't look no stinkin' 17 years old, can I just say.) So here was my initial reaction:

Well hello there, Taylor! How YOU doin?

Mm-hm. Mmm-hmmm. Mmmm-hmmmmmm.

Oh, hi Rob. Yeah, you look nice too, sweetie.

That is an awkward pose you've got going on there, KStew. (I say that as if it's something new and exciting. *slaps forehead*)

OH TAYLORRRRR ...

I am ashamed. During the sparkle-less parts of this movie I'm going to have to keep a continuous loop of all the times Jacob is an asshat in Eclipse running through my mind so I don't totally jump ship. Don't revoke my Team Edward card, k? Please? I'll do better, I promise.

Lukewarm need not apply - I want FIRE

Wow, two srs bsns blogs in two days ... I am on a roll the likes of which has never been seen here.

Okay, today I'm thinking about being lukewarm. We had a really great Sunday school lesson yesterday - I think it was meant just for me. In a nutshell, it had a lot to do with paying attention to your witness, how people are watching and you have to set an example through your actions and your words. Does anyone know that song where the chorus says, "You're the only Jesus some will ever see/You're the only words of life some will ever read"? I haven't heard it in ages, but that chorus has always stuck with me. Or like my dad says whenever he prays before a Mountain Outreach project, "Let someone see JESUS in us!" (You'd have to hear the emphasis he puts on "Jesus" - it's kind of hilarious and he does it every.single.time.) But anyway, that was basically what the lesson was about, and our teacher went back several times to that passage, I think it's in one of Paul's writings, where it talks about how God won't tolerate anyone being lukewarm about their faith - commit to one side or the other, but don't sit on the fence.

I'm having to face the realization, once again, that I've been sitting on the fence. I don't want to, I sincerely want to live my faith every day and be a light to those around me, but sometimes that's much easier said than done. I don't actively hide my faith or anything, but it's done passively and it's entirely possible that it's worse that way. In other words, it's not that I say the opposite of what I should, it's that I say nothing at all. This kind of hit me like a ton of brick today when I was perusing a friend's blog and I noticed that she proclaimed her faith up front, first thing. That kind of jumped out and kicked me in the face because I don't do that. I have this horror of those people who get in your face and are aggressive about it, and I don't want to be like that - but I think I'm taking it too far and saying far less than I ought to. And then I got to thinking, you know, maybe that's some of the reason for this dissatisfaction and unhappiness I've been dealing with lately. Maybe God's trying to get my attention and tell me that I need to kick it up a notch. If I was getting in the Word and praying like I should, maybe I wouldn't be so unhappy, maybe I wouldn't be feeling this discontent and pull toward something I can't even name. Maybe if I got back where I needed to be with God, whatever it is that I'm wanting will come to me. Or maybe I would find that I'm not really missing anything at all.

All that being said - easier said than done. It's hard to carve a place in your day for time with God, although that really ought to be a priority. It's so easy to say oh, I have to do such-and-such a thing, God understands. Or to rattle off a little prayer right before falling asleep without taking time to really get into details and give God time to respond. I'm certainly guilty of doing that, and I'm sure if they're honest most people would have to agree. I don't want this to be the case with me, though.

I want to be as close to God as I can get and have my heart tuned in to hear whatever He has to say to me. More than anything I want to be a godly woman, to make sure that whatever anyone knows about me, they know that I'm a Christian. I want to be the person that someone knows they can go to if they need prayer, and can be sure that they'll get it. I want to serve. I want joy to radiate from me such that those around me can feel it. I want the confidence and assurance that can only come from God. I want to be happy and secure in life knowing that I'm doing what God wants of me and He'll take care of me no matter what. This is my prayer: take away me and fill me with You.

I want ...

Weekends ... aren't my friends lately.

I used to not mind being alone. I could hang out by myself, listen to music, read, maybe write a bit, no problem. I've never liked being all alone for long periods of time, but I've never needed to be surrounded by people to be happy.

Here lately, I sense something in me changing. I don't like to be alone like I used to. Weekends have been especially hard, because I go home from the dorm, hang out with the fam, and we usually don't do much. Everyone has work, school, whatever, so we just chill on the weekends. I find myself getting bored a lot easier than I used to, and getting lonely like I never have. Loneliness is an awful feeling. I get lonely, and then I get sad, and then I do stupid things like fight with my best friend. Which just makes it ALL better, as you can imagine.

Have you ever noticed how everything is worse at night? Whatever it is, it seems like the absolute end of the world when it's dark outside. And here I am, with the overactive imagination, talking myself into all sorts of crazy things. If it was daylight out, I wouldn't believe any of it because it's completely ridiculous, but since it's dark anything is possible.

I've never seen a doctor and been clinically diagnosed with depression, but I believe I have dealt with it. After my freshman year of college I was really down for a long time, and I think some of that is still sticking around. Most of the time I'm a really upbeat, happy, optimistic person ... but when I'm alone, and it gets dark outside, something happens in my head and I turn into someone I don't want to be. I get paranoid, I get scared ... I don't know, I get crazy.

So of course I've got to analyze this to death, as one does. That's how I roll. This loneliness has taken me by surprise. It's an emotion I really don't have a whole lot of experience with. I like people and I've got an awesome group of friends and an amazing family and I love spending time with them, but I am an introvert and I like my solitude. I can't be surrounded by people all the time or I'll go nuts. Even so, I used to never really feel alone. That overactive imagination is both a good and a bad thing. I remember when I was very little, before my sister was born, I played by myself all the time and it was great. I could imagine as many playmates as I wanted and for me, that was just as good as the real thing. The best way to describe it is writing stories in my head all the time. I still do it, almost without thinking about it.

Here lately it's not as satisfying as it used to be, though. I find myself craving some kind of human contact, some kind of attention. Then I get upset if I can't get it, and it's a confusing mix of emotions. There's the loneliness, the sense of dissatisfaction, and on top of that there's fear. My greatest fear is being alone, and I have what my friend Scarlet named FOR - Fear Of Rejection. It's like I'm always a little afraid that my friends will find someone they like better than me, so they won't need me anymore. At its core, maybe that's a self-esteem issue. Not sure, but that sounds plausible. My relationship with my best friend is a unique case because we live so far apart, and I'm scared to death of losing her simply because I'm not there. That doesn't really give her much credit for loyalty or whatever, and that's one of those things that I know is just silly in the daylight. But just because I know it's silly, doesn't mean I can completely discount it. So many fears are silly or stupid, but that doesn't make them any less legitimately scary.

I have this vague sense of dissatisfaction just in general these days. Most of the time I'm fine ... you know, during those daylight hours ... but then I just find myself wanting. I'm not even really sure what it is I want so badly. I just know there's something missing, something that I've never missed before. I don't know how to go about looking for it because I don't know what to look for. That's frustrating and a little scary in itself - if I don't know what I'm looking for, how will I ever find it?

I feel a little stuck - that's a word that keeps coming to mind. And that's kind of strange if you think about it, because I'm fast approaching a crossroads in my life. I'm on the cusp of change, as it were, and somehow I feel trapped in a rut. The obvious answer here is that I need a man, but I'm not completely sure that is actually the answer.

I can't think of any way to really wrap this entry up. These ramblings really serve no purpose except to get the freaking words out of my head. Once I get something like this stuck in my head, I go over and over it until I'm crazy with it. So really I just wanted to get this out there and away from me for the moment, and it does make me feel better. Maybe someone who reads this is feeling some of the same things, and it would be nice to know that I'm not alone in this.

The longest two weeks EVAR

I feel like the turtle.

Two weeks left of class, y'all, and on the one hand it feels like this has been the longest semester ever OMG, and on the other hand it feels like it's actually passed pretty quickly. I'm ready for a break, I must say. I've been thinking about the summer quite a bit, and what I want to try to accomplish ... I'm so bad for making grandiose plans and not doing a single thing I planned ... one thing that must happen, I must go to Texas. If I do nothing else, this must happen. Non-negotiable. Besides that, I'm building my reading list, I'd like to get out of this not-writing slump ... get caught up on my friends' stories ... that sort of thing. Mainly just take it easy, do some things that I enjoy, things that are restful. To chillax, one might say. That's fun to think about. So that's what's on my mind this morning.

Grades are looking a tad iffy as we near the end of the semester, but I'm hoping for B's across the board. English Lit and I are just never going to get along, I've decided. Creative Writing was a bust. Everything else should be fairly decent though. Like I said, I want a B. I'll be happy with that. Then we can get on with the summer and everybody can just chill the heck out. Sounds good to me.

*Lolcats picture found at icanhascheezburger.com

New institutions

Greetings, all and sundry!

First of all, let me say thanks to everyone who texted or looked for me on Facebook last week ... I was very ill, I don't remember ever being that sick before in my life, and I wouldn't wish it on a dog I didn't like. I don't know what exactly was wrong with me but whatever it was, hopefully it's something I can avoid in the future! So, thanks guys. I lubs you all muchly. *MWAH*

Second of all, as the title indicates - I HAZ IDEA! I'm going to start a regular weekly post of "found things" ... that is, something I've found on teh Interwebz that I think needs to be shared. I've got all kinds of ideas already - blogs that I read, funny pictures or comics, that sort of thing. Just something that makes me smile. Starting today. YAYS!

Since I have a fairly extensive collection of truly random icons and I have a weird obsession with acquiring new ones, today I'm going to share some of these gems. And if they are all somehow Twilight-related ... I can't help it. It's not my fault. I told y'all, it imprinted on me. I had no say in the matter. Enjoy! :)

Well, nuts ... my move-y ones wouldn't move once I uploaded them ... so that srsly takes some wind out of my sails. But, iz okay. We shall manage. One more note: I didn't make any of these. I would love to give credit where credit is due but I just found these, mostly on LiveJournal, and I have no clue who made them. But, here is me NOT taking credit for others' work. :)

I can haz opinions nao.

Okay. I have now read all four Twilight books so many times I lost count months ago, and I have seen the movie a grand total of six times, so I feel like I am now prepared to form a legitimate opinion and articulate it. Therefore: my thoughts on Twilight. Let me show you them.

*CAUTION*

HERE BE SPOILERS.

If you are for some reason reading this and

you have not completed the books or seen the

movie and you want to, go no further.

I plan to discuss details. Consider yourself warned.

Where shall we start? Well with Edward Cullen, of course.

Let me just clear it all up for you: I am Team Edward. Wholeheartedly, absolutely, no question, 100%. From the first moment I Bella saw Edward in the cafeteria on my her first day at school, I was gone. He's a beautiful man. Not only that, he's smart, he's musical, all that good stuff. My love for Edward never falters during Twilight. I know he has stalkerish tendencies ... oiling her window so he can sneak in quietly at night, anyone? ... and that really should squick me out, but it just doesn't. I don't know, y'all. New Moon, naturally, is another story altogether. (Ha, I'm punny.) I thought I was just going to lie down and die right along with Bella when he left. I was not very happy with that sparkly man, to say the least, but the end of the book totally made up for it with me. Breaking Dawn is, again, a horse of another color entirely. I love Edward there too, but it's a different kind of love because Edward changes, as he should. My only problem with Edward crops up in Eclipse. I was just rereading it today and really thinking about it: y'all, Eclipse Edward is, quite frankly, somewhat a bag of douche. He's protective of Bella, got it. She's all fragile and stuff, yep. Really really godawful bad luck, okay. But hello y'all, he TAKES HER TRUCK APART so she can't go to La Push and see Jacob. HELLO. He's all, oh no you're not going, cause I said so. If my boyfriend just told me what I was and was not allowed to do, oh HALE no. We are not having that. So I'm not terribly fond of Eclipse Edward, but I just can't resist the sparkle. He wins me back. My love for Edward is strong and unyielding.

Since we're here, let's talk about Isabella Swan.

Okay. Bella and I have something of a love/hate/face!palm relationship. When I first read Twilight I was like, wow. Bella is me. This is amazing. She is awesome. But as time went on and Bella got whinier and whinier, I wanted more and more to slap her. So, I'm not terribly fond of Book Bella. She whines, as previously mentioned, she's painfully Mary Sue, she takes fifteen years to say something that ought to take five minutes, her only "epiphany" in four whole books is "OMG! Edward, like, totally loves me!" Excuse me while I go bang my head against this cement block wall right here. Book Bella, we would not be friends in real life. Movie Bella, however, is kind of alright. If she whines, she keeps it to herself. She actually forms friendships with people. She remembers their names, for crying out loud! Movie Bella, you're marginally more awesome than Book Bella. Keep that going.

Because he just can't be avoided: Jacob Black.

Taylor Lautner, you are adorable and I kind of want to snuggle you. I'm so glad you're going to be in New Moon. Really. Jacob, however ... okay. In and of himself Jacob's not so bad. I like his voice, particularly when we get his POV in Breaking Dawn. That boy is one big furry hoot. His feud with Rosalie will never, ever stop cracking my stuff UP. And during New Moon while we have a distinct lack of sparkle, Jake's an okay dude. In all honesty, Bella's such a train wreck he probably is wholly responsible for the teeny bit of sanity she manages to retain. I just ... I don't know. When Edward's around I just can't love Jacob. Besides that - come on, y'all, does anyone not want to just kick him during Eclipse? Srsly. His emo during Breaking Dawn makes me want to throw the book across the room. And imprinting on a fetus is beyond squicky, I don't care who you are. I like how he is with Renesmee though - like how he doesn't think about how he'll be doing her in a few years or whatever. (SMeyer: THANK YOU FOR NOT DOING THAT. Really.) So Jacob, you're an okay guy and you make New Moon bearable, but I do not love you.

We cannot go any farther without talking about my favorite character evar, Alice Cullen.

Alice, you rock my socks. Your awesome is palpable. If there isn't more Alice in New Moon, someone at Summit is receving a strongly worded email. Srs bsns. My only argument with Alice, almost ever, is that I wish she had more time to be awesome. When she and Jasper defected in Breaking Dawn, oh my dear sweet lord, I thought the world was falling apart. But then she showed back up just in time to save the day, because she is awesome and that's what awesome people do. Alice is mah girl.

Next up: the Cullen family.

Carlisle and Esme: I love you guys. I can see myself having a heart-to-heart with Esme, and if Carlisle was my doctor I would no longer dread appointments. Heh. Emmett: you crack me up, you big teddy bear you. If I had a big brother I'd want him to be like Emmett. Rosalie, you are a witch, but after Eclipse at least I get why, and you do gain a few awesome points in Breaking Dawn. Incidentally, "Rosalie" is my favorite name from the series, although I don't really like the character. I could really see myself naming a daughter Rosalie. Jasper: you remain an enigma. Even after we get some back story on Jasper, I never feel like I really know him. He's just sort of there, looking pained (hee) - although when everyone starts calling him "Jazz" in Breaking Dawn, I understand the pain. Movie Carlisle, I hope they do a better job on your hair and makeup in New Moon, sweetie. You look like an unnaturally pale Ken doll. But I love you anyway.

The movie was, in my opinion, well done. They stuck to the book pretty closely and I don't think they changed anything they shouldn't have. I don't care over-much for Kristen Stewart, but the rest of the cast has my undying devotion. I lined up at midnight to get my DVD and it was SO worth it. (Just a note: if you have access to the making-of documentary, watch the part where Peter Facinelli is explaining the flashback sequence in which the Cullens first meet the Quileutes. You won't be sorry, trust me.) I have to admit to being a bit nervous about New Moon because they're putting it out so quickly and the new director and all of that. We shall just have to see. Summit and Chris Weitz: please don't screw it up. And please, please let Alice steal a yellow Porsche. Thank you.

My favorite books in the series are Twilight and Breaking Dawn. So many people were in a royal snit over BD, but I just don't get that. It has been described as the most awesome crackfic ever and I must agree with that assessment. New Moon is decidedly my least favorite because of, as previously mentioned, the lack of sparkle. The end of it though, on the way back from Volterra and Edward and Bella's reunion the next day ... *sigh* One of my most favorite moments of the entire series. Favorite Twilight moment: meadow scene. Duh. Favorite Breaking Dawn moment: when Edward hears Renesmee's thoughts in utero. Favorite Eclipse moment: space heater. Hee. Eclipse as a whole, however, for me is just kind of ... there. I like it okay but I don't feel strongly about it like I do the other three. As mentioned earlier, the only time I have a real problem with Edward is in Eclipse. Maybe this has something to do with it? I don't know.

I flatter myself that I am not your run-of-the-mill Twilighter; that is, a teenager who has never read anything and therefore has nothing to compare these books to. That being said, I realize that the writing, on a purely technical level, isn't the best in the world. It gets pretty purple every now and then. The thing about it, though, is how it grabbed my attention immediately and never let go. I have thought and thought about it and I honestly can't tell you why I connected with it so quickly and so firmly. These books are special in that they evoke such strong responses from everyone who comes in contact with them - either you hate them or you love them. I've never heard of anyone being indifferent. I don't care who the author is or what the book is about, when it gets that kind of a response, you've done something right. For this, SMeyer, you get my applause.

So basically, the moral of my story is: you can make fun of me all you want if you're so inclined (and I deal with it on a daily basis), but I'm a Twilighter and I'm not about to apologize!

(PS: Because she's a drama llama, Teh Bri demands that I ETA that she is pretty much solely responsible for my Twilight problem addiction love affair. Happy nao?? Hehe.)

I went a little crazy ...

... and it's all Kern's fault. Her Facebook note got me all distracted.

So, since I looked it all up, I'm gonna share it, dangit. So, without further ado, I present:

My Theoretical Wedding To Josh Groban

Starring: my dress.

Close-up view of the pretty pink ribbon:

My bouquet:

Bridesmaids' bouquets would be something very similar, probably just a bit smaller.

MOH's (Bri's) dress:

Bridesmaids' dress:

Flower girl's dress:

Men's tux:

All these are just approximations, of course ... for instance, the pinks aren't nearly matchy enough for my OCD ... but it's the basic idea. That was fun! And Google Images is mah frann. :)

Right in front of your face

So ... this will be kind of trite. But hey, it happens.

Lots of things in my life are changing, or getting ready to change in the near future. This has been all I can think about for the past week, and this afternoon as I was cleaning my room and doing dishes and all that fun stuff before room check, I was listening to my iPod. Naturally I turned on Josh, and after awhile the song "Awake" came on. Now I have probably heard "Awake" at least 253.4 billion times, but today I sat there, singing along, looking out the window, and that song just touched me in a way it never has before, especially the second verse:

If I could make these moments endless
If I could stop the winds of change
If we just keep our eyes wide open
Then everything would stay the same

This is the part that really got me, because it is so me. I don't like change; never have. I like order and routine and always knowing what I'm doing and where I'm going. Right now in my life, I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going beyond the immediate future. I always want things to stay as they are, even though I've learned they can't.

Change is inevitable, and "you can fight it, or you can rock out to it." But there's nothing wrong with remembering things that have passed, so you've got to store up all the memories you can now. Sometimes I think about that and I get worried that I don't have enough time, it's all going by too fast and I'm going to miss it.

Keep me awake to memorize you
Give me more time to feel this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today

When will it stop?

Okay. Now when you're dealing with the Internets, it's best not to name names, so I won't. Suffice it to say that I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT ANYONE WHO WILL READ THIS. In spite of this, anonymity is the best policy.

Last week I got the shock of my life. I feel so betrayed, and the thing is, this person ... I've considered this person a member of my family for years now. I've talked to them, spent time with them, looked up to them, wanted to be like them. I thought, here was one person I could depend on.

I know some people are master deceivers. I know some people will come out of left field and do something that just knocks you over. I know this. It's happened to me. More than once, even! But what I want to know is, where does it stop?

How much do you really know anyone? When someone says they love you, do they really? When they say they'll always be there, will they? Are they sincere at the time and something changes later that negates everything they've said previously? Or are they just playing you the whole time? And how do you tell?

This has really shaken me. And I am pissed. If I saw this person right now, I'd be hard-pressed to keep my hands at my sides, much less my thoughts in my head. I've been told not to let others' versions of what happened color my own perceptions, just in case this person does make some overture to me, but I don't know if I can do that. I know enough already and let me tell you - you hurt the people I love, you've hurt me. And I'm still shocked that this is coming from this person in particular. I never, never saw this coming.

So now it automatically makes me wonder, if this person could do such a thing, who else could turn on me? The small handful of people who have my trust, do they deserve it? Will they throw it back in my face? I know it's useless to ask these questions, but it's inevitable. These are the things I worry about when I can't sleep at night.

So if he asks you, girls ...

This is, of course, assuming that I manage to find someone who wants to propose to me ... please, God, and before I'm thirty if you don't mind ...

Roomie introduced me to the wonder that is Tacori the other day, and OMG I'm so in love y'all. So I've been poking around and dreaming a bit ... pretty sure I'll never actually get one of these puppies cause the prices are outrageous and they don't even INCLUDE the center stone price ... and if I had to pick one RIGHT FREAKING NOW I've so got it.

How gorgeous is that?? Seriously y'all.

So, if he ... whomever "he" may be ... asks you, you know what I want. ;)

Take a look for yourself at www.tacori.com. Which one would you pick??

Here we go ...

I just watched Obama take the oath of office.

It's gonna be a long four years, y'all.

Here's my thing. Regardless of whether or not I voted for him ... and for the record, I DID NOT VOTE FOR HIM ... it's historic. I can appreciate the fact that he's the first black President and all that, which is why I'm currently skipping class and watching the inauguration on TV in my room. I like thinking about my grandchildren someday learning about this in school and the fact that I'll be able to tell them things like, that was the first Presidential election I voted in, I remember watching the election results and the inauguration in my dorm, those kinds of things. That's cool. So even though I didn't want him to win, I dig that.

I hate how this whole thing has centered so much on race, though. That really bugs me. I actually have some really very decided opinions on that subject in particular, but I won't get on my soapbox. I hate it when people talk out of both sides of their mouth, begging for people to be blind to race but constantly bringing it up. I would be glad to ignore people's skin color altogether if they'd let me.

I also don't like how everyone's soooo excited over Obama's election. I mean yeah, you can get excited, but some are really acting like Jesus has come back or something. I just don't like seeing that because he's only been President for about 30 minutes now - point being, he hasn't had a chance to do anything yet. Chill, people. Let him prove how great he is.

I just don't trust the man at this point, which is why I didn't vote for him. I mean yes, he is liberal and I'm conservative and therefore I didn't agree with his platform, but I wouldn't hesitate to vote for a Democrat if I felt he or she was the better choice and I trusted them. I don't know why, but I don't trust him now. I hope he ends up doing a great job and has earned my trust by the time his term is over. If that happens, praise God and I'm glad to be an American. All I'm saying is, I have my reservations now.

Either way, it's going to be a long four years and I'm going to be paying very close attention. During Obama's time in office I'll be going to grad school, maybe starting my career and family. Who could blame me for being a little nervous?

Memories

So ... I've been dying to write lately. Like, really really dying. Plus I have this creative writing: fiction class and we have to write 3 short stories to turn in. I've been getting impatient to get a brilliant idea and get something written down.

So, this weekend something came to me and I actually got right up and wrote it down, which is something new and exciting for me. I even procrastinate the good things.

I wrote this little piece, which is about what I remember from the day my grandfather died. I don't know where the idea came from, but I wrote it a little differently ... from third-person, and exactly as I remember it even though I know I don't remember everything accurately. When I remember those events, it's like watching a movie. I see myself going about doing things and interacting with people, instead of remembering myself actually doing it.

And it occurred to me that this is something of a recurring theme in my writing in general. This makes the third piece I've written about my grandfather. I can only assume I write about him so much because his death was one of the most significant events in my life, and it affected me in some crazy ways. Writing is cathartic for me since I can't ever express myself as well verbally as I do in writing, so I guess writing about it is a good thing.

Anyway, now I have a dilemma. I wrote this with the intention of turning it in to my creative writing teacher, but technically it isn't fiction. I could always pass it off as such, of course, but I probably will take creative writing: nonfiction next semester, if it's offered. So do I turn it in now or save it? I can't decide, so I'm posting it. Read if you want, let me know what you think.

It's a depressing subject matter, FYI. I know, duh, but I just thought I'd mention it. My frame of mind has been a little on the dark side this weekend. It's this fanfic I've been immersed in, which also has a character with a very dirty mouth, and consequently I've found myself randomly wanting to drop the F-bomb for the last two days. The person responsible for this, you know your blame.

Here goes. This piece is currently untitled.
**************************************************************************
The girl lay in bed and stared at the sun coming through the gauzy white curtains and making the pale orange walls impossibly brighter. She felt lightheaded, a little confused, almost panicking but not quite. She couldn’t wipe her friend’s words from her mind, the first thing she’d heard when she answered the ringing phone that had awoken her.

Hey, I heard your grandfather died last night.

And her immediate denial. No, he didn’t.

The line went quiet after that. The friend mumbled something and quickly hung up. She blindly set her cell phone back on the table beside her bed and lay unmoving a moment longer, but sleep was nowhere to be found now.

She was reluctant to get up, but she was too tense to lie there any longer. She had to move, had to feel like she was doing something. Above all else, she hated to feel helpless.
She padded down the carpeted hall into the kitchen and searched for something to eat even though she wasn’t really hungry. The house was quiet, and the silence was somehow ominous. She knew her sister was at school and her parents at work, but still the hush felt wrong.

And she knew. Her grandfather had died during the night, and no one had told her. They probably hadn’t wanted to wake her for that. And on top of that, her friend probably thought she was a freak.

She fought the panic rising in her chest, to no avail. Tears pooled in her eyes and she looked around the kitchen frantically, as if searching for something. As if a confirmation of her fears would be written on the tan painted wall or the green countertop.

Her eyes fell on the cordless phone sitting on the island in the middle of the kitchen and she grabbed for it as a drowning man would a lifeline. With trembling fingers she dialed her mother’s office number; the voice that answered wasn’t the one she wanted to hear. Her mom had just left, and was heading home.

This was bad. It was all the confirmation she needed. Why else would her mom leave work so early?

It would only take her about ten minutes to get home from her office, but it felt more like ten hours to the girl pacing in front of the door. She watched her mother’s red car pull up in front of the house and her heart jumped in her throat. All of a sudden she was nervous.
The door opened and no words were needed. She fell into her mother’s arms, sobbing. Her mother said something, trying to give comfort through her own tears, but later the girl hadn’t the faintest clue what she’d said.

She dressed quickly, not even looking in the mirror, and left with her mother to pick up her sister from school early. They agreed to tell the ten-year-old nothing until they got home. The girl wondered how she would keep the tears at bay that long.

Somehow she succeeded and the little girl was none the wiser, excited at the novelty of going home mid-morning. She chattered happily from the front seat while the older girl sat in the back, trying to cry silently.

Their dad was waiting for them at home. He’d been called to his father’s bedside the night before, and he told them how it had all happened: how they knew it was the end, how calm it had been, how the sores covering his body had strangely faded in death, going away once they had claimed his life. He only broke down once in the telling. The girl thought it was strange that he could sit and relate the story so calmly.

An irrational part of her felt hurt she hadn’t been there. She remembered the last time she’d spoken to her grandfather and he hadn’t even known who she was. She remembered waking up in the middle of the night in the quiet of her dorm room crying, begging God. Please don’t take him yet. Please, we need him. Please. She remembered every hug, and wished she’d had more. She remembered the way he smelled. She remembered the sound of his voice leading the family in song. She remembered so many things he’d said, so many things he’d taught her. She remembered the day they found out the strange sores he’d mentioned in passing were cancer. She remembered every sight of the emaciated, weak man who had once seemed bigger than life.

She dreaded the thought of the funeral to come. She knew she wouldn’t be able to keep it together, and doubted anyone else would fare much better. She couldn’t imagine having the whole family together without her grandfather. It wouldn’t feel right. She wondered if she would ever be able to stop crying.

Two days later she was in a hotel room, getting dressed, fussing with her impossible curls, loaning her sister earrings. She had picked the black dress with orange flowers. She knew the heels would be killing her feet inside of an hour. She adjusted the black sweater until it hung just right. She stared at herself in the mirror. Eyeliner probably wasn’t a good idea … What the hell, she raged internally. It may have been stupid, but she wanted to look nice for her grandfather one last time. He always liked seeing everyone dressed up, always enjoyed the sight of his granddaughters in pretty dresses. She always had to be doing something, and here was something she could do for him. She applied her makeup meticulously, taking especial care with her eyes, her best feature. She made sure to put on the treble clef-shaped earrings as another private tribute to her musical grandfather. She primped until she knew she looked her best. No matter what sort of a mess she was on the inside, it wouldn’t show on the outside.

Later she looked back and realized the two days during which the funeral and burial took place were mostly a blur. She couldn’t really remember details. Everything was a little fuzzy, and her memories seemed as if she were outside her body watching herself. What she did remember, she couldn’t be sure it was accurate.

She never stopped crying. The tears periodically dried up, but they were always there, waiting to be triggered. Anything might do it, and usually at the most inconvenient times. To her surprise she found that she could still smile, could still laugh, could still enjoy life. The unfairness of it all grated, and probably always would. She never sang a song without remembering him. A year passed, then two … and she found that he was never really gone. She knew as long as she remembered him, he would live. The tears and the memories were bittersweet. She would take what she could get.

'Fraidy-Cat

Well, it's nearly 1 in the morning and I'm still awake. You know what that means.

I've been thinking too much.

Yesterday I turned 21. It was a pretty good day, classes hadn't started yet so I didn't have much to do and that was nice. But 21 ... it's got me thinking about the future again. The near future, the not-so-near future ... you get the picture.

21 is kind of wigging me out. It's such a milestone, people have been saying things like, "21! Wow! What are you going to do?" Well, I didn't do much of anything special for my birthday itself, just hung out with my family. I haven't really been all that anxious to do anything I needed to be legal to do anyway, so it wasn't a big deal. But that last question, that "what are you going to do?" That's the biggie.

Because I'm hyper-analytical, so I take it somewhere faaaar from where it began. What am I going to do? Where do I want to go? Who do I want to be? Hitting this milestone reminded me how close I am to graduating from college. That is just ridiculous to think of - I am getting ready to graduate from college. Not just like, sometime, but in the actual foreseeable future. It's really happening.

That thought - that I'm going to graduate from college - quite frankly scares the shit out of me. Because ever since I was 4, I've been in school, in Williamsburg. I was in one building for kindergarten through 12th grade, and my college is just down the street from that. Now I'll be going to grad school, away somewhere. Whether I stay somewhere close by or go halfway across the country, I'll be away. I won't know my way around campus, I won't have known most of my teachers from childhood, I won't have my parents nearby if I need anything. For the first time in my life, I'll really be on my own.

Now this is exciting. I think about getting an apartment, maybe a pet, that kind of stuff. That will be fun. But it's scary when I think about being on my own. I've never been on my own. Even here at college, I live in the dorms but I live with someone I've known since I was in middle school. My family is here, I can go home whenever I want. I know this town, I know these people. There is a security here I know I will miss when I leave. That's what's scary. I'll really have to completely take care of myself. Part of me is ready to rise to the challenge, while part of me wants to stay here always, where it's familiar and safe.

I don't take change well anyway, of any kind. Tiny details just get me all messed up, so it's really no wonder I'm all worried about this now, when it's still over a year away. Welcome to the life of a compulsive worrier.

Anyway, that's been on my mind tonight. I know it's bound to only get worse over the next year, but maybe I can talk myself off the ledge when I start hyperventilating. I'll welcome any help and/or chocolate anyone wants to send. :)

Setting Goals

Just over an hour til I turn 21!

Anyway.

Lately I've been thinking about New Year's resolutions. I don't make them anymore myself, since like most people I usually only kept them for a couple weeks, if that. With so many people talking about them, though, it does make me think about what I might resolve to do if I were making resolutions. And then I thought - I don't make resolutions, but I can always set goals! New year, new semester, why not.

First of all though, I have to say that I'm happier with myself these days than I ever have been. Let me get superficial here for a minute. I've never thought of myself as a "pretty girl." I always used to wonder about those girls ... you know, the perfectly skinny blondes ... I remember wondering how it felt to be pretty. Like, did they look in the mirror and think, wow I'm pretty? Did they even realize it?

So anyway, the other night we went out to dinner with the family to celebrate our three January birthdays - mine, my mom's, and my great-grandfather's. I'd dressed up for it, cause I like to do that, and when we got home and I went to change clothes I happened to glance in the mirror and I was like hey ... I'm pretty. I know it sounds vain, okay, but I had an epiphany y'all. And then I stopped to think about it. I could definitely stand to lose weight - more on that momentarily - but I've figured out what works on me and how to look good. My skin has definitely been worse. And my hair ... well, excuse the vanity, but I love my hair. So anyway. Point here being that I had an epiphany, hee, and I'm actually happier with the outside of myself than I can ever remember being before.

So, that happened.

Anyway, goals. Like I mentioned already, weight. My roommate and suitemate and I are going to diet and exercise together. I've already been informed that we're giving up pop. I'll miss it, but I know it's horrible for me and I kind of feel guilty when I drink it anyway. We're going to walk several nights a week and keep each other from eating horrible things. I'm planning to do some traveling this summer if I have my way, which I'm really excited about, so I have an extra incentive to look good.

I'm also going to work on being more organized, although I always say that at the beginning of every semester. I'm going to try to be more dedicated, more disciplined where schoolwork is concerned. I made better grades last semester than the year before, so that was nice and I'd like to keep that going. I'm really bad for procrastinating too, so I'm going to try to kick that habit.

I'll start tomorrow.

Besides that, I'm going to try to work on picking battles, letting the little annoyances roll off my back and only making an issue of things that deserve to be made an issue of. Lately I've found myself saying whatever I'm thinking instead of keeping it inside - I know it's not good for you to keep things bottled up, but it's also not always good to tell people exactly what you think! So there's that to work on.

So ... yeah. Some things to think about as the new semester starts. We'll see how all this works out for me.