Wow, two srs bsns blogs in two days ... I am on a roll the likes of which has never been seen here.
Okay, today I'm thinking about being lukewarm. We had a really great Sunday school lesson yesterday - I think it was meant just for me. In a nutshell, it had a lot to do with paying attention to your witness, how people are watching and you have to set an example through your actions and your words. Does anyone know that song where the chorus says, "You're the only Jesus some will ever see/You're the only words of life some will ever read"? I haven't heard it in ages, but that chorus has always stuck with me. Or like my dad says whenever he prays before a Mountain Outreach project, "Let someone see JESUS in us!" (You'd have to hear the emphasis he puts on "Jesus" - it's kind of hilarious and he does it every.single.time.) But anyway, that was basically what the lesson was about, and our teacher went back several times to that passage, I think it's in one of Paul's writings, where it talks about how God won't tolerate anyone being lukewarm about their faith - commit to one side or the other, but don't sit on the fence.
I'm having to face the realization, once again, that I've been sitting on the fence. I don't want to, I sincerely want to live my faith every day and be a light to those around me, but sometimes that's much easier said than done. I don't actively hide my faith or anything, but it's done passively and it's entirely possible that it's worse that way. In other words, it's not that I say the opposite of what I should, it's that I say nothing at all. This kind of hit me like a ton of brick today when I was perusing a friend's blog and I noticed that she proclaimed her faith up front, first thing. That kind of jumped out and kicked me in the face because I don't do that. I have this horror of those people who get in your face and are aggressive about it, and I don't want to be like that - but I think I'm taking it too far and saying far less than I ought to. And then I got to thinking, you know, maybe that's some of the reason for this dissatisfaction and unhappiness I've been dealing with lately. Maybe God's trying to get my attention and tell me that I need to kick it up a notch. If I was getting in the Word and praying like I should, maybe I wouldn't be so unhappy, maybe I wouldn't be feeling this discontent and pull toward something I can't even name. Maybe if I got back where I needed to be with God, whatever it is that I'm wanting will come to me. Or maybe I would find that I'm not really missing anything at all.
All that being said - easier said than done. It's hard to carve a place in your day for time with God, although that really ought to be a priority. It's so easy to say oh, I have to do such-and-such a thing, God understands. Or to rattle off a little prayer right before falling asleep without taking time to really get into details and give God time to respond. I'm certainly guilty of doing that, and I'm sure if they're honest most people would have to agree. I don't want this to be the case with me, though.
I want to be as close to God as I can get and have my heart tuned in to hear whatever He has to say to me. More than anything I want to be a godly woman, to make sure that whatever anyone knows about me, they know that I'm a Christian. I want to be the person that someone knows they can go to if they need prayer, and can be sure that they'll get it. I want to serve. I want joy to radiate from me such that those around me can feel it. I want the confidence and assurance that can only come from God. I want to be happy and secure in life knowing that I'm doing what God wants of me and He'll take care of me no matter what. This is my prayer: take away me and fill me with You.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Sunday, April 26, 2009
I want ...
Weekends ... aren't my friends lately.
I used to not mind being alone. I could hang out by myself, listen to music, read, maybe write a bit, no problem. I've never liked being all alone for long periods of time, but I've never needed to be surrounded by people to be happy.
Here lately, I sense something in me changing. I don't like to be alone like I used to. Weekends have been especially hard, because I go home from the dorm, hang out with the fam, and we usually don't do much. Everyone has work, school, whatever, so we just chill on the weekends. I find myself getting bored a lot easier than I used to, and getting lonely like I never have. Loneliness is an awful feeling. I get lonely, and then I get sad, and then I do stupid things like fight with my best friend. Which just makes it ALL better, as you can imagine.
Have you ever noticed how everything is worse at night? Whatever it is, it seems like the absolute end of the world when it's dark outside. And here I am, with the overactive imagination, talking myself into all sorts of crazy things. If it was daylight out, I wouldn't believe any of it because it's completely ridiculous, but since it's dark anything is possible.
I've never seen a doctor and been clinically diagnosed with depression, but I believe I have dealt with it. After my freshman year of college I was really down for a long time, and I think some of that is still sticking around. Most of the time I'm a really upbeat, happy, optimistic person ... but when I'm alone, and it gets dark outside, something happens in my head and I turn into someone I don't want to be. I get paranoid, I get scared ... I don't know, I get crazy.
So of course I've got to analyze this to death, as one does. That's how I roll. This loneliness has taken me by surprise. It's an emotion I really don't have a whole lot of experience with. I like people and I've got an awesome group of friends and an amazing family and I love spending time with them, but I am an introvert and I like my solitude. I can't be surrounded by people all the time or I'll go nuts. Even so, I used to never really feel alone. That overactive imagination is both a good and a bad thing. I remember when I was very little, before my sister was born, I played by myself all the time and it was great. I could imagine as many playmates as I wanted and for me, that was just as good as the real thing. The best way to describe it is writing stories in my head all the time. I still do it, almost without thinking about it.
Here lately it's not as satisfying as it used to be, though. I find myself craving some kind of human contact, some kind of attention. Then I get upset if I can't get it, and it's a confusing mix of emotions. There's the loneliness, the sense of dissatisfaction, and on top of that there's fear. My greatest fear is being alone, and I have what my friend Scarlet named FOR - Fear Of Rejection. It's like I'm always a little afraid that my friends will find someone they like better than me, so they won't need me anymore. At its core, maybe that's a self-esteem issue. Not sure, but that sounds plausible. My relationship with my best friend is a unique case because we live so far apart, and I'm scared to death of losing her simply because I'm not there. That doesn't really give her much credit for loyalty or whatever, and that's one of those things that I know is just silly in the daylight. But just because I know it's silly, doesn't mean I can completely discount it. So many fears are silly or stupid, but that doesn't make them any less legitimately scary.
I have this vague sense of dissatisfaction just in general these days. Most of the time I'm fine ... you know, during those daylight hours ... but then I just find myself wanting. I'm not even really sure what it is I want so badly. I just know there's something missing, something that I've never missed before. I don't know how to go about looking for it because I don't know what to look for. That's frustrating and a little scary in itself - if I don't know what I'm looking for, how will I ever find it?
I feel a little stuck - that's a word that keeps coming to mind. And that's kind of strange if you think about it, because I'm fast approaching a crossroads in my life. I'm on the cusp of change, as it were, and somehow I feel trapped in a rut. The obvious answer here is that I need a man, but I'm not completely sure that is actually the answer.
I can't think of any way to really wrap this entry up. These ramblings really serve no purpose except to get the freaking words out of my head. Once I get something like this stuck in my head, I go over and over it until I'm crazy with it. So really I just wanted to get this out there and away from me for the moment, and it does make me feel better. Maybe someone who reads this is feeling some of the same things, and it would be nice to know that I'm not alone in this.
I used to not mind being alone. I could hang out by myself, listen to music, read, maybe write a bit, no problem. I've never liked being all alone for long periods of time, but I've never needed to be surrounded by people to be happy.
Here lately, I sense something in me changing. I don't like to be alone like I used to. Weekends have been especially hard, because I go home from the dorm, hang out with the fam, and we usually don't do much. Everyone has work, school, whatever, so we just chill on the weekends. I find myself getting bored a lot easier than I used to, and getting lonely like I never have. Loneliness is an awful feeling. I get lonely, and then I get sad, and then I do stupid things like fight with my best friend. Which just makes it ALL better, as you can imagine.
Have you ever noticed how everything is worse at night? Whatever it is, it seems like the absolute end of the world when it's dark outside. And here I am, with the overactive imagination, talking myself into all sorts of crazy things. If it was daylight out, I wouldn't believe any of it because it's completely ridiculous, but since it's dark anything is possible.
I've never seen a doctor and been clinically diagnosed with depression, but I believe I have dealt with it. After my freshman year of college I was really down for a long time, and I think some of that is still sticking around. Most of the time I'm a really upbeat, happy, optimistic person ... but when I'm alone, and it gets dark outside, something happens in my head and I turn into someone I don't want to be. I get paranoid, I get scared ... I don't know, I get crazy.
So of course I've got to analyze this to death, as one does. That's how I roll. This loneliness has taken me by surprise. It's an emotion I really don't have a whole lot of experience with. I like people and I've got an awesome group of friends and an amazing family and I love spending time with them, but I am an introvert and I like my solitude. I can't be surrounded by people all the time or I'll go nuts. Even so, I used to never really feel alone. That overactive imagination is both a good and a bad thing. I remember when I was very little, before my sister was born, I played by myself all the time and it was great. I could imagine as many playmates as I wanted and for me, that was just as good as the real thing. The best way to describe it is writing stories in my head all the time. I still do it, almost without thinking about it.
Here lately it's not as satisfying as it used to be, though. I find myself craving some kind of human contact, some kind of attention. Then I get upset if I can't get it, and it's a confusing mix of emotions. There's the loneliness, the sense of dissatisfaction, and on top of that there's fear. My greatest fear is being alone, and I have what my friend Scarlet named FOR - Fear Of Rejection. It's like I'm always a little afraid that my friends will find someone they like better than me, so they won't need me anymore. At its core, maybe that's a self-esteem issue. Not sure, but that sounds plausible. My relationship with my best friend is a unique case because we live so far apart, and I'm scared to death of losing her simply because I'm not there. That doesn't really give her much credit for loyalty or whatever, and that's one of those things that I know is just silly in the daylight. But just because I know it's silly, doesn't mean I can completely discount it. So many fears are silly or stupid, but that doesn't make them any less legitimately scary.
I have this vague sense of dissatisfaction just in general these days. Most of the time I'm fine ... you know, during those daylight hours ... but then I just find myself wanting. I'm not even really sure what it is I want so badly. I just know there's something missing, something that I've never missed before. I don't know how to go about looking for it because I don't know what to look for. That's frustrating and a little scary in itself - if I don't know what I'm looking for, how will I ever find it?
I feel a little stuck - that's a word that keeps coming to mind. And that's kind of strange if you think about it, because I'm fast approaching a crossroads in my life. I'm on the cusp of change, as it were, and somehow I feel trapped in a rut. The obvious answer here is that I need a man, but I'm not completely sure that is actually the answer.
I can't think of any way to really wrap this entry up. These ramblings really serve no purpose except to get the freaking words out of my head. Once I get something like this stuck in my head, I go over and over it until I'm crazy with it. So really I just wanted to get this out there and away from me for the moment, and it does make me feel better. Maybe someone who reads this is feeling some of the same things, and it would be nice to know that I'm not alone in this.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
The longest two weeks EVAR
I feel like the turtle.
Two weeks left of class, y'all, and on the one hand it feels like this has been the longest semester ever OMG, and on the other hand it feels like it's actually passed pretty quickly. I'm ready for a break, I must say. I've been thinking about the summer quite a bit, and what I want to try to accomplish ... I'm so bad for making grandiose plans and not doing a single thing I planned ... one thing that must happen, I must go to Texas. If I do nothing else, this must happen. Non-negotiable. Besides that, I'm building my reading list, I'd like to get out of this not-writing slump ... get caught up on my friends' stories ... that sort of thing. Mainly just take it easy, do some things that I enjoy, things that are restful. To chillax, one might say. That's fun to think about. So that's what's on my mind this morning.
Grades are looking a tad iffy as we near the end of the semester, but I'm hoping for B's across the board. English Lit and I are just never going to get along, I've decided. Creative Writing was a bust. Everything else should be fairly decent though. Like I said, I want a B. I'll be happy with that. Then we can get on with the summer and everybody can just chill the heck out. Sounds good to me.
*Lolcats picture found at icanhascheezburger.com
Monday, April 20, 2009
New institutions
Greetings, all and sundry!
First of all, let me say thanks to everyone who texted or looked for me on Facebook last week ... I was very ill, I don't remember ever being that sick before in my life, and I wouldn't wish it on a dog I didn't like. I don't know what exactly was wrong with me but whatever it was, hopefully it's something I can avoid in the future! So, thanks guys. I lubs you all muchly. *MWAH*
Second of all, as the title indicates - I HAZ IDEA! I'm going to start a regular weekly post of "found things" ... that is, something I've found on teh Interwebz that I think needs to be shared. I've got all kinds of ideas already - blogs that I read, funny pictures or comics, that sort of thing. Just something that makes me smile. Starting today. YAYS!
Since I have a fairly extensive collection of truly random icons and I have a weird obsession with acquiring new ones, today I'm going to share some of these gems. And if they are all somehow Twilight-related ... I can't help it. It's not my fault. I told y'all, it imprinted on me. I had no say in the matter. Enjoy! :)
Well, nuts ... my move-y ones wouldn't move once I uploaded them ... so that srsly takes some wind out of my sails. But, iz okay. We shall manage. One more note: I didn't make any of these. I would love to give credit where credit is due but I just found these, mostly on LiveJournal, and I have no clue who made them. But, here is me NOT taking credit for others' work. :)
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