Better than I could say it

This came on the radio this morning. Beautiful song and just about perfect.

"Prayer For A Friend" by Casting Crowns

*Song and video not mine

Stream of consciousness

I have all these thoughts knocking around inside my head. I swear they're all connected somehow.

I don't like change. I'm a planner, I like to know what I'm doing and where I'm going. I like knowing what to expect, what to do, how to do it. Things and people in my life are changing, and I don't like it. I feel like I'm being left behind.

I'm a worrier. I worry about those I love. I want to take care of all of you, I want to fix what's wrong, I want to keep you from harm. Helplessness doesn't sit well with me.

I've battled shyness all my life. If you haven't had to deal with that problem, you can't know what it's like. Sometimes it's almost like I am physically incapable of speaking. New places, people, situations scare the bejeezus out of me. I get a sudden chill, break out in a cold sweat, my stomach drops to my feet, I feel like I can't breathe. And since my tear ducts are hard-wired to react to any strong emotion - sad, happy, angry, frustrated, embarrassed - there will most likely be tears. I may manage to keep them in but trust me, they're always right there under the surface.

In God I have put my trust, I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me? (Psalm 56:11)

So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:34)

I've thought for a few years now that I was dealing with some mild depression, but a friend has since told me that I'm not depressed since I can still feel. And ... somehow that made me feel better. (HI BEA! Thank you *hugs*)

It's part of my worrying nature to visualize the worst-case scenarios so that I'm prepared. Because of this, very few things could in reality be worse than what I imagined - it's actually a good thing. Srs. If it's driving you nuts, I'm sorry and I empathize - I drive me nuts, too. I'll quit telling you that.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9)

Those of you who know me via Interwebz probably won't believe me, but I have a terrible time making friends. Sometimes I look around and I'm amazed at the friends I have. How did this happen? How did I manage it?

I often wish I were different. I imagine myself the way I wish I was, and sometimes I can even be that version of me when I'm with my closest friends. Then reality comes crashing in and I'm reminded that I'm not that girl. I want to be. But I don't know how.

I worry about being "good enough."

For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them. (Psalm 139:13-16)

I want to have a servant's heart and always think of others before myself, but sometimes I'm selfish. It makes me feel like a terrible person but at the same time - sometimes I want things too.

If my friends are changing and moving along but I'm not, how do I keep from being forgotten?

What will I do if I never get the deepest desires of my heart? I don't think I'm asking for much, but what happens if I wait and wait and wait and it just ... never comes?

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)

There are so many things I want to do, so many things I want to experience, so many places I want to go and so many people I want to meet - yet I also like it here in my comfort zone. In order to do all these things I'll have to make myself get decidedly uncomfortable, at least for a little while. I'm not sure I can do it.

With people it is impossible, but not with God; for all things are possible with God. (Mark 10:27)

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)

I Choose Joy.

I am in general a happy person. But because we all know life is not all sunshine and rainbows and I am a firm believer in being honest and sharing with people, I don't mind telling you that I struggle. Specifically, I have trouble with jealousy, I am very easily annoyed, and I have a hard time just letting things go. Once I get something in my head, it is all-consuming and I very nearly go crazy before I somehow manage to get rid of it. When this happens, and it happens more often than I'd like, certainly, it makes me feel awful. For a day or two I'm just miserable - sad, angry, just generally ticked off at the world and all its inhabitants. And I have come to the realization that you decide how you're going to respond to any given situation. You decide what your attitude will be.

We were talking about this in Sunday school a few weeks ago. The question was asked: what do you do when things don’t go your way? How do you deal with it? As it happens, this is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. I posted a few weeks ago about some hardships I’ve been facing in my own life, and many friends who read that were awesome enough to let me know that they’ve been struggling with some of the same things. I got to thinking that maybe I’d write a little about how I’m dealing with those issues, because it’s a difficulty every single day and sometimes it can be a huge source of encouragement to hear how someone else deals with the same things you’re trying to deal with.

When the question was asked on Sunday – how do you deal? – I answered almost immediately, saying this: You have to make the decision to have a positive attitude. It doesn’t just happen on its own, you have to make a conscious choice. I've shared about the problems I’ve dealt with, which have had the effect of producing a general discontentment and dashing my joy right into the ground. Something else that can steal your joy is fear, and I am a pretty fearful person. Anyone who knows me well can back me up on this: I am the world’s biggest worrywart. I get nervous very easily, and if I don’t have anything to be afraid of, my imagination will invent something. I know worry is a sin, but no matter how hard I try I just can’t seem to shake it. I worry a lot that my future plans won’t pan out, or that I won’t get the things I want most, the things I dream of. Constantly thinking about the what-ifs and things that may or may not happen is exhausting and depressing. And I don’t know about you, but I hate feeling this way. I can’t stand being unhappy, hate to argue and fight, always want to get rid of unpleasant feelings as soon as possible. Some people seem to enjoy wallowing in their misery, but I don’t. So when I need to, I make the choice to be happy and work to reclaim my joy. Everyone has different ways of doing things and what works for me may not necessarily work for you, but here’s how I do it.

First I give myself a little pep talk. Usually my imagination is telling me that a situation is much worse than it actually is – or even at times inventing a problem where there is none – so I sit myself down and tell me that whatever isn’t true, isn’t true. Basically, it’s the mental equivalent of giving myself a slap across the face and telling myself to stop being ridiculous.

My inner joy comes from a relationship with God, so the next thing I do is have a good talk with Him. I tell Him what’s bothering me – although of course He already knows – and ask forgiveness for my fretting and worrying and not trusting. Then I think about all the things that have gone right for me, all the things I’ve wanted and gotten: even though it sounds corny, I count my blessings. I thank God for everything He has given me, and when counted, these far outnumber the things I haven’t gotten. When I think about this, when I stop and think of all the things that I take for granted but that really are gifts – things like waking up in the morning, being able to care for myself, the warm bed I’ve just slept in and food for breakfast – I feel very humbled. It makes me wonder, why am I working myself into such a state over one little thing that didn’t go my way? Why am I inventing a problem for myself instead of focusing on something good? Why am I worrying about something in the future when I can’t do anything about it anyway? When I’ve thanked God for all these things, I ask Him to help me to be content with and grateful for what I have now, and to help me trust that He loves me and will take care of me no matter what happens.

Usually then the best thing for me to do is avoid being alone for a while, since loneliness has been such a big problem lately. I find a friend to talk to, if I can; if I can’t, I’ll go find something to do with my sister or sit and watch TV, read, or knit with my parents. If I’m by myself, I find some job to do to keep myself busy and turn on some praise music. If I’m in the right mood, this is sometimes a good opportunity to write, too.

Now I realize that some people reading this don't share my beliefs, and while I wish you did, it's okay. I never want to be one of those Christians who looks down on non-Christians, and as my world view gets ever larger, another thing I'm coming to realize is that not everyone sees things the way I see things. It makes the world more complicated, but it also makes it more interesting! Sometimes that's at the heart of the problem, just the simple fact that people see things differently. When this happens, I have to take a step back and remind myself that it's relative - what I see one way, someone else sees another. And that's cool. I be your friend anyway. :)

But anyway, back to the subject at hand. Everyone has to do whatever will best help them, but the point here is that you have to make a decision to have a good attitude. Bad things are going to happen, we’re going to be disappointed, people are going to hurt us and we’re going to be denied things we want. It’s only natural to be sad, angry, or disappointed at these times, but you don’t have to stay that way. It isn’t easy and it takes some effort, but the important thing is that it works. If you’re upset or find yourself having a bad attitude and you don’t like it, choose to change it. Choose joy.