Thankful

I'm thankful that no one's in the hospital.

I'm thankful that the hospitals were there when we needed them.

I'm thankful that I have the energy and ability to cook for my family today.

I'm thankful that I have a family for whom to cook today.

I'm thankful that my body now "functions" as it's supposed to ... if you know what I mean ... and I think you do.

I'm thankful that we have a dishwasher, and it isn't me.

I'm thankful for the opportunities I've been given this year to serve others.

I'm thankful for the turkey and dressing I'll eat today.

I'm thankful that three of my grandparents are still living, and thankful for the time I was given to know the one I've lost.

I'm thankful for music, and for ears to hear it.

I'm thankful for my big bed and warm flannel sheets.

I'm thankful for the cold weather; I love it best.

I'm thankful that it is now officially Christmas music time.

I'm thankful that I can dream, and then make it come true.

I'm thankful for my new computer.

I'm thankful for my church family.

I'm thankful for the friends I've made because of the Internet.

I'm thankful for fabulous shoes.

I'm thankful for good Christian parents.

I'm thankful that my little sister still thinks I'm awesome, even if she is a teenager now.

I'm thankful for the family I will see today, and the family too far away to see.

I'm thankful for the future in front of me, and the past I leave behind.


(If you didn't see that one coming, Grobies, I am very very disappointed in you.)

Time to go around the table: what are YOU thankful for?

Whose bright idea was this?

I'll be honest: I sit at home all day and watch a lot of TV. A LOT of TV. I am coming to feel like Rachael Ray is a personal friend of mine. As I watch all this TV I've seen this commercial a few times, and it really just burns me up.



I know the intent was most likely just to raise awareness of Crohn's, what it is, how it affects you, but I have to say that commercial really depresses the crap out of me. As someone dealing with a recent diagnosis, that is the most discouraging thing I have seen or heard. Everyone who has Crohn's is affected differently; so, for instance, someone else may have to avoid a food that I can eat with no problems. Since I don't yet know how my unique case is going to play out in my normal everyday life - since I'm not currently living my normal everyday life - hearing all the things those people say in the commercial brings me way, way down. If I'd written this, that certainly is not the message I would want to convey.

And you know what? I'm not going to turn into one of those people. The medicine I'm currently taking, I get via IV infusion about every eight weeks - no dealing with "so many pills." I refuse to hide at home because it's too much of a hassle to plan "every detail" of going out, or because I'm afraid. The pain - yeah, it's bad - but I will deal with the pain when it comes, and learn how to avoid it next time. And BY GOD, nothing short of death would cause me to miss my best friend's wedding - this disease certainly won't do it. Living like those people describe, that's not living. I'm going to live. I'm going to do everything I ever wanted to do, and Crohn's disease is the very last thing I'm going to let stand in my way.

Out Of Nowhere

Hey everyone ... I know you've been wondering what exactly is going on, so I figured now that I've finally got Internet access I'd give you an update.

About a month ago I started having this pain that really had no explanation. I just lived with it for a couple weeks, hoping it would go away, and when it didn't I went to the doctor thinking I probably had an ovarian cyst. The symptoms sounded the same, so I figured that was the problem. I had tests and ultrasounds and the doctor decided that wasn't the problem, but the pain just got worse. I ended up in the emergency room, nothing helped, long story short the doctor decided to do a diagnostic laparoscopy, which meant he'd go in and just take a look around. This was Friday a week ago. We figured he'd remove the cyst, possibly take out my appendix, but overall no big deal. The doctor got inside only to discover that I have Crohn's disease, a chronic disease which affects the intestines and bowels and which I have probably had for years but didn't know about. It was a big mess, let's just say. They removed about 12 inches of my intestines and my appendix. Recovery from the surgery was one thing, but the Crohn's has complicated everything. Because it's so difficult to heal they would rather not operate on Crohn's patients at all, but there was no choice. I was very very sick for a week after the surgery, then they finally let me go home and things were going well. I was home for a whole 24 hours when I had to go back to the emergency room because my intestines had started to leak. The doctor had said this was very common with Crohn's disease so it wasn't unexpected, but it could've been bad. Thankfully it wasn't and I haven't needed more surgery, but I've been in the hospital since Saturday evening. I'm not allowed to eat anything except ice, I have 3 IV lines in my chest, I have blood and X-rays taken every day. This whole process has been surreal. It was completely unexpected and, being both something I never thought I would experience and more than I ever thought I could handle, honestly I haven't been doing very well. So, that's my story - I hate to be a Debbie Downer but it happens. Now you know why I disappeared, and I want everyone to know that I really appreciate all your messages and tweets and calls and prayers and visits and everything. I am doing well and will continue to get better, so don't worry. :)

Better than I could say it

This came on the radio this morning. Beautiful song and just about perfect.

"Prayer For A Friend" by Casting Crowns

*Song and video not mine

Stream of consciousness

I have all these thoughts knocking around inside my head. I swear they're all connected somehow.

I don't like change. I'm a planner, I like to know what I'm doing and where I'm going. I like knowing what to expect, what to do, how to do it. Things and people in my life are changing, and I don't like it. I feel like I'm being left behind.

I'm a worrier. I worry about those I love. I want to take care of all of you, I want to fix what's wrong, I want to keep you from harm. Helplessness doesn't sit well with me.

I've battled shyness all my life. If you haven't had to deal with that problem, you can't know what it's like. Sometimes it's almost like I am physically incapable of speaking. New places, people, situations scare the bejeezus out of me. I get a sudden chill, break out in a cold sweat, my stomach drops to my feet, I feel like I can't breathe. And since my tear ducts are hard-wired to react to any strong emotion - sad, happy, angry, frustrated, embarrassed - there will most likely be tears. I may manage to keep them in but trust me, they're always right there under the surface.

In God I have put my trust, I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me? (Psalm 56:11)

So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:34)

I've thought for a few years now that I was dealing with some mild depression, but a friend has since told me that I'm not depressed since I can still feel. And ... somehow that made me feel better. (HI BEA! Thank you *hugs*)

It's part of my worrying nature to visualize the worst-case scenarios so that I'm prepared. Because of this, very few things could in reality be worse than what I imagined - it's actually a good thing. Srs. If it's driving you nuts, I'm sorry and I empathize - I drive me nuts, too. I'll quit telling you that.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9)

Those of you who know me via Interwebz probably won't believe me, but I have a terrible time making friends. Sometimes I look around and I'm amazed at the friends I have. How did this happen? How did I manage it?

I often wish I were different. I imagine myself the way I wish I was, and sometimes I can even be that version of me when I'm with my closest friends. Then reality comes crashing in and I'm reminded that I'm not that girl. I want to be. But I don't know how.

I worry about being "good enough."

For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them. (Psalm 139:13-16)

I want to have a servant's heart and always think of others before myself, but sometimes I'm selfish. It makes me feel like a terrible person but at the same time - sometimes I want things too.

If my friends are changing and moving along but I'm not, how do I keep from being forgotten?

What will I do if I never get the deepest desires of my heart? I don't think I'm asking for much, but what happens if I wait and wait and wait and it just ... never comes?

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)

There are so many things I want to do, so many things I want to experience, so many places I want to go and so many people I want to meet - yet I also like it here in my comfort zone. In order to do all these things I'll have to make myself get decidedly uncomfortable, at least for a little while. I'm not sure I can do it.

With people it is impossible, but not with God; for all things are possible with God. (Mark 10:27)

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)

I Choose Joy.

I am in general a happy person. But because we all know life is not all sunshine and rainbows and I am a firm believer in being honest and sharing with people, I don't mind telling you that I struggle. Specifically, I have trouble with jealousy, I am very easily annoyed, and I have a hard time just letting things go. Once I get something in my head, it is all-consuming and I very nearly go crazy before I somehow manage to get rid of it. When this happens, and it happens more often than I'd like, certainly, it makes me feel awful. For a day or two I'm just miserable - sad, angry, just generally ticked off at the world and all its inhabitants. And I have come to the realization that you decide how you're going to respond to any given situation. You decide what your attitude will be.

We were talking about this in Sunday school a few weeks ago. The question was asked: what do you do when things don’t go your way? How do you deal with it? As it happens, this is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. I posted a few weeks ago about some hardships I’ve been facing in my own life, and many friends who read that were awesome enough to let me know that they’ve been struggling with some of the same things. I got to thinking that maybe I’d write a little about how I’m dealing with those issues, because it’s a difficulty every single day and sometimes it can be a huge source of encouragement to hear how someone else deals with the same things you’re trying to deal with.

When the question was asked on Sunday – how do you deal? – I answered almost immediately, saying this: You have to make the decision to have a positive attitude. It doesn’t just happen on its own, you have to make a conscious choice. I've shared about the problems I’ve dealt with, which have had the effect of producing a general discontentment and dashing my joy right into the ground. Something else that can steal your joy is fear, and I am a pretty fearful person. Anyone who knows me well can back me up on this: I am the world’s biggest worrywart. I get nervous very easily, and if I don’t have anything to be afraid of, my imagination will invent something. I know worry is a sin, but no matter how hard I try I just can’t seem to shake it. I worry a lot that my future plans won’t pan out, or that I won’t get the things I want most, the things I dream of. Constantly thinking about the what-ifs and things that may or may not happen is exhausting and depressing. And I don’t know about you, but I hate feeling this way. I can’t stand being unhappy, hate to argue and fight, always want to get rid of unpleasant feelings as soon as possible. Some people seem to enjoy wallowing in their misery, but I don’t. So when I need to, I make the choice to be happy and work to reclaim my joy. Everyone has different ways of doing things and what works for me may not necessarily work for you, but here’s how I do it.

First I give myself a little pep talk. Usually my imagination is telling me that a situation is much worse than it actually is – or even at times inventing a problem where there is none – so I sit myself down and tell me that whatever isn’t true, isn’t true. Basically, it’s the mental equivalent of giving myself a slap across the face and telling myself to stop being ridiculous.

My inner joy comes from a relationship with God, so the next thing I do is have a good talk with Him. I tell Him what’s bothering me – although of course He already knows – and ask forgiveness for my fretting and worrying and not trusting. Then I think about all the things that have gone right for me, all the things I’ve wanted and gotten: even though it sounds corny, I count my blessings. I thank God for everything He has given me, and when counted, these far outnumber the things I haven’t gotten. When I think about this, when I stop and think of all the things that I take for granted but that really are gifts – things like waking up in the morning, being able to care for myself, the warm bed I’ve just slept in and food for breakfast – I feel very humbled. It makes me wonder, why am I working myself into such a state over one little thing that didn’t go my way? Why am I inventing a problem for myself instead of focusing on something good? Why am I worrying about something in the future when I can’t do anything about it anyway? When I’ve thanked God for all these things, I ask Him to help me to be content with and grateful for what I have now, and to help me trust that He loves me and will take care of me no matter what happens.

Usually then the best thing for me to do is avoid being alone for a while, since loneliness has been such a big problem lately. I find a friend to talk to, if I can; if I can’t, I’ll go find something to do with my sister or sit and watch TV, read, or knit with my parents. If I’m by myself, I find some job to do to keep myself busy and turn on some praise music. If I’m in the right mood, this is sometimes a good opportunity to write, too.

Now I realize that some people reading this don't share my beliefs, and while I wish you did, it's okay. I never want to be one of those Christians who looks down on non-Christians, and as my world view gets ever larger, another thing I'm coming to realize is that not everyone sees things the way I see things. It makes the world more complicated, but it also makes it more interesting! Sometimes that's at the heart of the problem, just the simple fact that people see things differently. When this happens, I have to take a step back and remind myself that it's relative - what I see one way, someone else sees another. And that's cool. I be your friend anyway. :)

But anyway, back to the subject at hand. Everyone has to do whatever will best help them, but the point here is that you have to make a decision to have a good attitude. Bad things are going to happen, we’re going to be disappointed, people are going to hurt us and we’re going to be denied things we want. It’s only natural to be sad, angry, or disappointed at these times, but you don’t have to stay that way. It isn’t easy and it takes some effort, but the important thing is that it works. If you’re upset or find yourself having a bad attitude and you don’t like it, choose to change it. Choose joy.

Bloggy Friday

Here's something I don't think I've really mentioned to anyone: I'm a little bit addicted to mommy blogs.

Have you ever read a mommy blog? They're just what they sound like - moms blog about the cute (and gross) things their kids do, they talk about their husbands and marriages, that sort of thing. And I LOVE them. "Become mommy blogger" is one more thing I've added to my list of Things I Must Do When I Have Children. (List also includes quit job to be stay-at-home mom, enroll any and all daughters in dance classes as soon as they can walk, and dress children alike for my own personal enjoyment.)

So for today, I've compiled a little linkspam of mommy (and daddy!) blogs that I love.

The first one I started following is Pacing The Panic Room. The author, Ryan, writes about his and his wife's adventures as they get ready for the birth of their first child. The thing that drew me to this blog first was the photography. Ryan is a photographer and he takes the most awesome belly pictures of his wife every week. This is the most recent:

Awesome, yes? I think so. :)

That blog led me to Attack of the Redneck Mommy - and I admit I only looked at this one because of the title, heh. I haven't had time yet to go back and read more than just the most recent posts, but I plan to. This lady is hilarious, y'all.

From that one - you see the pattern here, right - I found my absolute favorite mommy blog, The Spohrs Are Multiplying. This blogger, Heather, writes some of the funniest stuff I have ever read - just the way she puts things is awesome. And there's lots of pictures and videos of her little girl, Madeline. This may possibly be the cutest baby ever:

Don't you just want to squish her? I do! Sadly, Maddie passed away in April - she was a preemie and had been dealing with lots of health problems - and Heather has been writing about this experience too. It's heartbreaking and beautiful all at once.

While cruising the archives of that blog, I found moosh in indy. Talk about adorable kids! Check out this one, affectionately referred to as The Moosh:

So, you may ask, what is the draw? Why read blogs about the lives of people I don't know and will probably never meet? Well I'll tell you. First of all, I think I like mommy blogs specifically because pretty much my number-one goal is to be a mommy myself. I've got the whole maternal instincts thing going on, I love little kids, I suffer from raging baby envy. I think that's why mommy blogs in particular appeal to me the way they do. But beyond that, when you read these blogs, you come to feel like you do know them. Maybe you see similarities to yourself, or to someone you know. So then their story isn't just theirs, it becomes universal. It could be anyone's story. You find something you can relate to, or see that someone else has gone through something you may have gone through. I think it's safe to assume that everyone who might read this knows about the relationships that can be formed across the miles via the Wonderful Interwebz, so that's why I like blogs.

Plus all these bloggers are awesomely talented writers and really really freakin' funny. They're just fun to read.

And now you know what I do at work! ;)