Birthday reflections

The past few years it seems like my birthday is changing in terms of what it means to me. It's still exciting, I'm not old enough yet to wish the birthdays would stop coming or anything like that, but my thoughts tend to get a little more serious than they used to.

I know this is going to sound strange but for some reason 22 seems so much older than 21 to me. It just sounds more mature or something, I don't even know. I woke up this morning with this feeling that I needed to hurry up and do something on my last day as a 21-year-old. I don't have any idea what it was that I needed to do, but it was just this feeling. I find myself wanting to be a little more "grown-up" now. Again, not sure what this entails, it's just this vague inclination.

I have a lot of things to do while I'm 22. Here in the next few months I have to work on boosting my GPA a bit, taking the GRE, and applying to grad schools. I will [hopefully] be walking in graduation in May, and actually receiving my diploma in December. I'll be taking my first summer classes. My roommate/very good friend is getting married in May and I really want to go to the wedding. When summer rolls around again I'll get to see my best friend (IN PERSON because as awesome as Skype is, it really just isn't the same) and, all fingers and toes crossed, meet my Mallows. I've also been doing a lot of thinking about taking action in some areas of my life where I've been feeling some dissatisfaction, so there's that as well.

Anyway, just some stuff running through my head on the eve of my birthday. I think I'm going to enjoy my 22nd year.

Stream of consciousness

I have all these thoughts knocking around inside my head. I swear they're all connected somehow.

I don't like change. I'm a planner, I like to know what I'm doing and where I'm going. I like knowing what to expect, what to do, how to do it. Things and people in my life are changing, and I don't like it. I feel like I'm being left behind.

I'm a worrier. I worry about those I love. I want to take care of all of you, I want to fix what's wrong, I want to keep you from harm. Helplessness doesn't sit well with me.

I've battled shyness all my life. If you haven't had to deal with that problem, you can't know what it's like. Sometimes it's almost like I am physically incapable of speaking. New places, people, situations scare the bejeezus out of me. I get a sudden chill, break out in a cold sweat, my stomach drops to my feet, I feel like I can't breathe. And since my tear ducts are hard-wired to react to any strong emotion - sad, happy, angry, frustrated, embarrassed - there will most likely be tears. I may manage to keep them in but trust me, they're always right there under the surface.

In God I have put my trust, I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me? (Psalm 56:11)

So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:34)

I've thought for a few years now that I was dealing with some mild depression, but a friend has since told me that I'm not depressed since I can still feel. And ... somehow that made me feel better. (HI BEA! Thank you *hugs*)

It's part of my worrying nature to visualize the worst-case scenarios so that I'm prepared. Because of this, very few things could in reality be worse than what I imagined - it's actually a good thing. Srs. If it's driving you nuts, I'm sorry and I empathize - I drive me nuts, too. I'll quit telling you that.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9)

Those of you who know me via Interwebz probably won't believe me, but I have a terrible time making friends. Sometimes I look around and I'm amazed at the friends I have. How did this happen? How did I manage it?

I often wish I were different. I imagine myself the way I wish I was, and sometimes I can even be that version of me when I'm with my closest friends. Then reality comes crashing in and I'm reminded that I'm not that girl. I want to be. But I don't know how.

I worry about being "good enough."

For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them. (Psalm 139:13-16)

I want to have a servant's heart and always think of others before myself, but sometimes I'm selfish. It makes me feel like a terrible person but at the same time - sometimes I want things too.

If my friends are changing and moving along but I'm not, how do I keep from being forgotten?

What will I do if I never get the deepest desires of my heart? I don't think I'm asking for much, but what happens if I wait and wait and wait and it just ... never comes?

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)

There are so many things I want to do, so many things I want to experience, so many places I want to go and so many people I want to meet - yet I also like it here in my comfort zone. In order to do all these things I'll have to make myself get decidedly uncomfortable, at least for a little while. I'm not sure I can do it.

With people it is impossible, but not with God; for all things are possible with God. (Mark 10:27)

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)

So if he asks you, girls ...

This is, of course, assuming that I manage to find someone who wants to propose to me ... please, God, and before I'm thirty if you don't mind ...

Roomie introduced me to the wonder that is Tacori the other day, and OMG I'm so in love y'all. So I've been poking around and dreaming a bit ... pretty sure I'll never actually get one of these puppies cause the prices are outrageous and they don't even INCLUDE the center stone price ... and if I had to pick one RIGHT FREAKING NOW I've so got it.

How gorgeous is that?? Seriously y'all.

So, if he ... whomever "he" may be ... asks you, you know what I want. ;)

Take a look for yourself at www.tacori.com. Which one would you pick??