Guess who?

*tiptoes in*

Hello? Anyone? Remember me?

To begin, the obligatory apology and explanation … I just have not been able to get it together enough to post lately. I don’t even know, y’all. Being an English major has sucked all the fun out of writing, even for my blog. But I have been reading lots of other blogs and getting many many new bloggy-type ideas, so look for at least semi-regular posts to start up SOON! YAY!

Okay, to get all caught up:

• My health is amazing right now, you guys. I can’t remember when I’ve ever felt so good. The Crohn’s is completely controlled with Remicade once a month and a few tweaks to my diet here and there. Last month I had a colonoscopy (put that off as long as you can, trust me) and my doc confirmed that I am in remission, which means that most days it’s almost like there’s nothing wrong at all. There’s no way to know how long I’ll stay in remission – some people struggle and never quite get there, and some people stay there for years with no problems. But, of course, I prefer to focus on feeling good right now instead of the possibility that I might not tomorrow.

• School ended last month and with it what was probably my best semester ever – my class load wasn’t too heavy, I didn’t have any literature classes for the first time ever and I can’t tell you how enjoyable that was, I didn’t have to take any finals at all AND AND AND I got my best grades since freshman year. Now how ‘bout them apples? I brought up my GPA a smidge, and if I can keep that going I really won’t have to stress out over getting into a graduate program. I also walked in graduation in May, which felt really weird. It was kind of like a kid playing dress-up in Mommy’s clothes; I felt vaguely impostor-like. But, I walked across the stage and didn’t fall, so that was fun. I’m not completely done yet though, I’ll still be in college doing undergrad work in the fall, and then I’ll graduate really for real in December.

• Most of you already know this part I think, but just for the heck of it – I got myself a man. Trying to reign in the urge to gush too much I’ll simply say that we met through an online dating site and have been together for just over two months, and I think he’s kind of awesome.

So! That’s the past three months in a nutshell. What’s up with you?

For my next post I’m working on two lists: short-term goals, which I've done before but this one will be more funner, and a “bucket list.” I think this will be fun. Have any of you ever made a bucket list? Join me and let’s all share; maybe you’ll think of something I need to add to mine!

Birthday reflections

The past few years it seems like my birthday is changing in terms of what it means to me. It's still exciting, I'm not old enough yet to wish the birthdays would stop coming or anything like that, but my thoughts tend to get a little more serious than they used to.

I know this is going to sound strange but for some reason 22 seems so much older than 21 to me. It just sounds more mature or something, I don't even know. I woke up this morning with this feeling that I needed to hurry up and do something on my last day as a 21-year-old. I don't have any idea what it was that I needed to do, but it was just this feeling. I find myself wanting to be a little more "grown-up" now. Again, not sure what this entails, it's just this vague inclination.

I have a lot of things to do while I'm 22. Here in the next few months I have to work on boosting my GPA a bit, taking the GRE, and applying to grad schools. I will [hopefully] be walking in graduation in May, and actually receiving my diploma in December. I'll be taking my first summer classes. My roommate/very good friend is getting married in May and I really want to go to the wedding. When summer rolls around again I'll get to see my best friend (IN PERSON because as awesome as Skype is, it really just isn't the same) and, all fingers and toes crossed, meet my Mallows. I've also been doing a lot of thinking about taking action in some areas of my life where I've been feeling some dissatisfaction, so there's that as well.

Anyway, just some stuff running through my head on the eve of my birthday. I think I'm going to enjoy my 22nd year.

Stream of consciousness

I have all these thoughts knocking around inside my head. I swear they're all connected somehow.

I don't like change. I'm a planner, I like to know what I'm doing and where I'm going. I like knowing what to expect, what to do, how to do it. Things and people in my life are changing, and I don't like it. I feel like I'm being left behind.

I'm a worrier. I worry about those I love. I want to take care of all of you, I want to fix what's wrong, I want to keep you from harm. Helplessness doesn't sit well with me.

I've battled shyness all my life. If you haven't had to deal with that problem, you can't know what it's like. Sometimes it's almost like I am physically incapable of speaking. New places, people, situations scare the bejeezus out of me. I get a sudden chill, break out in a cold sweat, my stomach drops to my feet, I feel like I can't breathe. And since my tear ducts are hard-wired to react to any strong emotion - sad, happy, angry, frustrated, embarrassed - there will most likely be tears. I may manage to keep them in but trust me, they're always right there under the surface.

In God I have put my trust, I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me? (Psalm 56:11)

So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:34)

I've thought for a few years now that I was dealing with some mild depression, but a friend has since told me that I'm not depressed since I can still feel. And ... somehow that made me feel better. (HI BEA! Thank you *hugs*)

It's part of my worrying nature to visualize the worst-case scenarios so that I'm prepared. Because of this, very few things could in reality be worse than what I imagined - it's actually a good thing. Srs. If it's driving you nuts, I'm sorry and I empathize - I drive me nuts, too. I'll quit telling you that.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9)

Those of you who know me via Interwebz probably won't believe me, but I have a terrible time making friends. Sometimes I look around and I'm amazed at the friends I have. How did this happen? How did I manage it?

I often wish I were different. I imagine myself the way I wish I was, and sometimes I can even be that version of me when I'm with my closest friends. Then reality comes crashing in and I'm reminded that I'm not that girl. I want to be. But I don't know how.

I worry about being "good enough."

For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them. (Psalm 139:13-16)

I want to have a servant's heart and always think of others before myself, but sometimes I'm selfish. It makes me feel like a terrible person but at the same time - sometimes I want things too.

If my friends are changing and moving along but I'm not, how do I keep from being forgotten?

What will I do if I never get the deepest desires of my heart? I don't think I'm asking for much, but what happens if I wait and wait and wait and it just ... never comes?

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)

There are so many things I want to do, so many things I want to experience, so many places I want to go and so many people I want to meet - yet I also like it here in my comfort zone. In order to do all these things I'll have to make myself get decidedly uncomfortable, at least for a little while. I'm not sure I can do it.

With people it is impossible, but not with God; for all things are possible with God. (Mark 10:27)

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)

The longest two weeks EVAR

I feel like the turtle.

Two weeks left of class, y'all, and on the one hand it feels like this has been the longest semester ever OMG, and on the other hand it feels like it's actually passed pretty quickly. I'm ready for a break, I must say. I've been thinking about the summer quite a bit, and what I want to try to accomplish ... I'm so bad for making grandiose plans and not doing a single thing I planned ... one thing that must happen, I must go to Texas. If I do nothing else, this must happen. Non-negotiable. Besides that, I'm building my reading list, I'd like to get out of this not-writing slump ... get caught up on my friends' stories ... that sort of thing. Mainly just take it easy, do some things that I enjoy, things that are restful. To chillax, one might say. That's fun to think about. So that's what's on my mind this morning.

Grades are looking a tad iffy as we near the end of the semester, but I'm hoping for B's across the board. English Lit and I are just never going to get along, I've decided. Creative Writing was a bust. Everything else should be fairly decent though. Like I said, I want a B. I'll be happy with that. Then we can get on with the summer and everybody can just chill the heck out. Sounds good to me.

*Lolcats picture found at icanhascheezburger.com

New institutions

Greetings, all and sundry!

First of all, let me say thanks to everyone who texted or looked for me on Facebook last week ... I was very ill, I don't remember ever being that sick before in my life, and I wouldn't wish it on a dog I didn't like. I don't know what exactly was wrong with me but whatever it was, hopefully it's something I can avoid in the future! So, thanks guys. I lubs you all muchly. *MWAH*

Second of all, as the title indicates - I HAZ IDEA! I'm going to start a regular weekly post of "found things" ... that is, something I've found on teh Interwebz that I think needs to be shared. I've got all kinds of ideas already - blogs that I read, funny pictures or comics, that sort of thing. Just something that makes me smile. Starting today. YAYS!

Since I have a fairly extensive collection of truly random icons and I have a weird obsession with acquiring new ones, today I'm going to share some of these gems. And if they are all somehow Twilight-related ... I can't help it. It's not my fault. I told y'all, it imprinted on me. I had no say in the matter. Enjoy! :)

Well, nuts ... my move-y ones wouldn't move once I uploaded them ... so that srsly takes some wind out of my sails. But, iz okay. We shall manage. One more note: I didn't make any of these. I would love to give credit where credit is due but I just found these, mostly on LiveJournal, and I have no clue who made them. But, here is me NOT taking credit for others' work. :)