I want ...

Weekends ... aren't my friends lately.

I used to not mind being alone. I could hang out by myself, listen to music, read, maybe write a bit, no problem. I've never liked being all alone for long periods of time, but I've never needed to be surrounded by people to be happy.

Here lately, I sense something in me changing. I don't like to be alone like I used to. Weekends have been especially hard, because I go home from the dorm, hang out with the fam, and we usually don't do much. Everyone has work, school, whatever, so we just chill on the weekends. I find myself getting bored a lot easier than I used to, and getting lonely like I never have. Loneliness is an awful feeling. I get lonely, and then I get sad, and then I do stupid things like fight with my best friend. Which just makes it ALL better, as you can imagine.

Have you ever noticed how everything is worse at night? Whatever it is, it seems like the absolute end of the world when it's dark outside. And here I am, with the overactive imagination, talking myself into all sorts of crazy things. If it was daylight out, I wouldn't believe any of it because it's completely ridiculous, but since it's dark anything is possible.

I've never seen a doctor and been clinically diagnosed with depression, but I believe I have dealt with it. After my freshman year of college I was really down for a long time, and I think some of that is still sticking around. Most of the time I'm a really upbeat, happy, optimistic person ... but when I'm alone, and it gets dark outside, something happens in my head and I turn into someone I don't want to be. I get paranoid, I get scared ... I don't know, I get crazy.

So of course I've got to analyze this to death, as one does. That's how I roll. This loneliness has taken me by surprise. It's an emotion I really don't have a whole lot of experience with. I like people and I've got an awesome group of friends and an amazing family and I love spending time with them, but I am an introvert and I like my solitude. I can't be surrounded by people all the time or I'll go nuts. Even so, I used to never really feel alone. That overactive imagination is both a good and a bad thing. I remember when I was very little, before my sister was born, I played by myself all the time and it was great. I could imagine as many playmates as I wanted and for me, that was just as good as the real thing. The best way to describe it is writing stories in my head all the time. I still do it, almost without thinking about it.

Here lately it's not as satisfying as it used to be, though. I find myself craving some kind of human contact, some kind of attention. Then I get upset if I can't get it, and it's a confusing mix of emotions. There's the loneliness, the sense of dissatisfaction, and on top of that there's fear. My greatest fear is being alone, and I have what my friend Scarlet named FOR - Fear Of Rejection. It's like I'm always a little afraid that my friends will find someone they like better than me, so they won't need me anymore. At its core, maybe that's a self-esteem issue. Not sure, but that sounds plausible. My relationship with my best friend is a unique case because we live so far apart, and I'm scared to death of losing her simply because I'm not there. That doesn't really give her much credit for loyalty or whatever, and that's one of those things that I know is just silly in the daylight. But just because I know it's silly, doesn't mean I can completely discount it. So many fears are silly or stupid, but that doesn't make them any less legitimately scary.

I have this vague sense of dissatisfaction just in general these days. Most of the time I'm fine ... you know, during those daylight hours ... but then I just find myself wanting. I'm not even really sure what it is I want so badly. I just know there's something missing, something that I've never missed before. I don't know how to go about looking for it because I don't know what to look for. That's frustrating and a little scary in itself - if I don't know what I'm looking for, how will I ever find it?

I feel a little stuck - that's a word that keeps coming to mind. And that's kind of strange if you think about it, because I'm fast approaching a crossroads in my life. I'm on the cusp of change, as it were, and somehow I feel trapped in a rut. The obvious answer here is that I need a man, but I'm not completely sure that is actually the answer.

I can't think of any way to really wrap this entry up. These ramblings really serve no purpose except to get the freaking words out of my head. Once I get something like this stuck in my head, I go over and over it until I'm crazy with it. So really I just wanted to get this out there and away from me for the moment, and it does make me feel better. Maybe someone who reads this is feeling some of the same things, and it would be nice to know that I'm not alone in this.

When will it stop?

Okay. Now when you're dealing with the Internets, it's best not to name names, so I won't. Suffice it to say that I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT ANYONE WHO WILL READ THIS. In spite of this, anonymity is the best policy.

Last week I got the shock of my life. I feel so betrayed, and the thing is, this person ... I've considered this person a member of my family for years now. I've talked to them, spent time with them, looked up to them, wanted to be like them. I thought, here was one person I could depend on.

I know some people are master deceivers. I know some people will come out of left field and do something that just knocks you over. I know this. It's happened to me. More than once, even! But what I want to know is, where does it stop?

How much do you really know anyone? When someone says they love you, do they really? When they say they'll always be there, will they? Are they sincere at the time and something changes later that negates everything they've said previously? Or are they just playing you the whole time? And how do you tell?

This has really shaken me. And I am pissed. If I saw this person right now, I'd be hard-pressed to keep my hands at my sides, much less my thoughts in my head. I've been told not to let others' versions of what happened color my own perceptions, just in case this person does make some overture to me, but I don't know if I can do that. I know enough already and let me tell you - you hurt the people I love, you've hurt me. And I'm still shocked that this is coming from this person in particular. I never, never saw this coming.

So now it automatically makes me wonder, if this person could do such a thing, who else could turn on me? The small handful of people who have my trust, do they deserve it? Will they throw it back in my face? I know it's useless to ask these questions, but it's inevitable. These are the things I worry about when I can't sleep at night.